In October 2024, my beloved husband Tim passed away due to a cardiac arrest, after a tremendously difficult two week stay at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. He was the kindest man I ever had the honor of knowing, and the toughest. Tim was an exemplar of a gentle yet powerful masculinity, everything I wanted to be and hoped I could someday live up to. He nurtured so much kindness, love, and strength in me in our four short years together. I have written quite a bit about him on my blog at tails.daddyrattlesnake.com - it is dedicated to the lessons I learned from him.
An important aspect of Tim's kindness, I think, is that he remained kind despite experiencing great difficulties in his life. He did not allow the cruelty of the world to dampen his kindness or his joy. Even when he was near passing, he managed to make us laugh and smile, just by being himself. He was a beacon of strength and warmth, ferociously protective of his chosen family, provided for those he loved, was always humble and down-to-earth, and worked hard for everything he had.
He was always the one to take care of others, and never had anyone taking care of him, until he met me. That was what made our love so special - that I got to look out for and protect this gentle giant, who so badly needed protection and care, just like any other man, but never had someone offer it to him like I had. Caring for Tim and being his partner and husband is my proudest accomplishment as a human being. He imbued my life with a tremendous sense of purpose, and brought so much joy and happiness into my life that it's impossibly difficult to imagine a world without him.
The Rattlesnake Diaries are named after Daddy Rattlesnake, a character Tim created one evening as we laid on the couch together. Daddy Rattlesnake is a reflection of the protector, nurturer, provider, and father that Tim was, wrapped up in his sense of humor and childlike joy.
The Rattlesnake Diaries are a series of portraits that tell the stories of men who are kindred spirits of Tim's - whether they knew him or not. These are men who have experienced life, who personify a gentle yet physically powerful masculinity, who remain kind despite the cruelty of the world, and know what it is to experience loss. They are men who bear a rugged, battle-tested, and comfortable manliness about them; there is neither artifice nor performance here. There is an element of visual aesthetics - I am aiming to capture images that reflect ruggedly handsome masculinity with a side of tenderness. Tim will always be my muse and creative guiding light, so the aesthetics of this project are informed by the beauty I saw in him.
The Rattlesnake Diaries, more precisely, are a memorialization of Tim - a way of seeing him in the world, capturing those reflections of what I saw in him, and spreading his legend - the legend of Daddy Rattlesnake - as far as possible. They reflect his lasting impact on my aesthetic sense as my muse. They are a love letter to the man who made me who I am today, who nurtured in me a masculinity that is strong, protective, kind, dedicated, and joyous. He taught me lessons about being a man that no one else could have. He taught me that I have worth, that I am not interchangeable or disposable, that it is not so hard to love me. These images memorialize that love.
Thank you for loving me, Tim. I will love you forever.
Tim, April 2024
What can I say about Tim that I haven't already? He is my muse, my soulmate, the kindest and strongest man I've ever known. He is tremendously handsome, in a very traditionally masculine way. He's built like a pro wrestler, because he is one. He is covered in tattoos and has the gruff look of a biker, which is counterbalanced by a tremendous, sweet tenderness, reflected here in his interactions with our dog, Bella. He moves with an ease and confidence that serves as a warning: this is a man who can and will hurt you if you cross him. But his eyes reveal a tender, sensitive, thoughtful nature beneath the rugged exterior - he is a big teddy bear at heart who just wants to protect everyone. He is welcoming, kind, comforting, and gentle. Tim is everything I aspire to be as a man, and brings light and joy with him wherever he goes.